Build Healthy BELONGING

Healthy belonging is a necessary growth factor.

Belonging.  It’s a feeling… a feeling that has a powerful influence on everyone’s life.  We all know when we feel that we belong, and we all know when we don’t feel that we belong. (And “all” definitely includes young children.)

That feeling of belonging is one of the most fundamental needs that subtly, but powerfully, influences all of us … and it has always influenced us, pretty much from Day 1 of our lives. 

Healthy belonging must be nurtured.
BELONGING is a deep-rooted need that must be developed in healthy ways starting at the youngest ages.

 

The instinct to belong is as natural as breathing.  What we want and need to belong to can and does differ widely as we grow, which is a good thing and makes a lot of sense – right?!    But …

… as young ones, just starting out in the new adventures of preschool, kindergarten and first grade, discovering shared values, feelings and instincts with classmates and peers is a powerful approach to building the healthiest kind of belonging. The kind of belonging that – very long term – can help to neutralize feelings of isolation that, research has shown, are one of the deep-rooted influences that, so heartbreakingly, result – later on – in school shootings and student suicides.    

Healthy belonging can help to neutralize the negative effects of isolation.
Building healthy BELONGING is one very positive way to reduce the isolation that research confirms is part of the cause of school shooters’ motivations.

What kinds of values, feelings and instincts can young children discover that they share, so that ‘belonging’ is naturally built within the day-to-day dynamics of their class?   

Here’s the answer to that question, and it’s an answer that can enrich every teachers’ class management … making class management much, much easier:  Present groups of kids with appropriately challenging questions that evoke, that draw upon kids’ own hard-wired •empathy, kids’ own •ability to distinguish what’s fair and what’s not, and kids’ natural •instinct to ‘tell it like it is.’

When young children are provided with multiple opportunities to collaboratively discover solutions to challenges with which they’re all familiar, during times in which none of them (this is important, of course) … none of them is ever made to feel defensive – even when those familiar challenges are extremely, even exhaustingly, familiar … When young children are provided with multiple opportunities to collaboratively discover solutions they respond with solutions that invariably surprise and delight teachers. 

Healthy shared experiences build healthy belonging.
Recent brain imaging research shows that when humane instincts are activated and engaged, all associated areas of the brain connect and, with enough consistent repetition, become integrated.

Recent brain imaging research has demonstrated that when the brain contemplates and combines distinct pieces of information – for example: the ‘what, where, when, why and how’ of specific events, different areas of the brain are activated and connect. When different sensibilities and humane instincts are also activated and engaged within those same exercises, all of those areas of the brain connect and, with enough consistent repetition, become integrated. When that kind of healthy, creative and constructive brain activity is shared amongst peers, is it so difficult to appreciate how much more effective at building belonging that is as compared to passive or rote learning experiences?

When groups of children have consistent opportunities to analyze familiar challenges and problems, through a series of respectful and open-ended questions  (yes … truly open-ended questions), they readily stay engaged and interested into the next level of open-ended questions (and again emphasizing: open-ended questions) that invite them to share ideas about possible solutions. 

Typically, a class full of young children ,during these shared opportunities, is a class full of raised hands with answers and solutions that make sense to everyone.  What’s incredibly sweet to experience, as a teacher, is that the kids who have some personal familiarity with a specific challenge or problem (you know, the kids who push, who rarely share, kids who constantly use their outside voices inside, or … you name it)  … those kids actually listen and really take in their classmates’ answers and solutions.  Because, for one reason, they’re not being TALKED TO, so they remain receptive, and for another reason, it’s their peers who are talking – which is much more interesting and relatable than grown-up’s lectures and instructions. Duh.

Back to the concept of building belonging, and I’ll repeat that I’m referring to healthy belonging.  When healthy belonging is prioritized and creatively activated as the binding and strengthening influence for everything else that needs to happen in the classroom, everyone wins – including you, of course … short term, long term and even onto very long term. 

Short term belonging happens within circle time shared discovery opportunities, with kids’ genuine engagement and collaborative contributions. Long term belonging shows up when kids bring their own collaborative solutions onto the playground, into the lunch room and into different learning activities of your classroom.  Very long term belonging is what grows and takes roots over time, because that healthy belonging had a chance to get started as a formative and foundational  influence from kids’ earliest ages.

Healthy belonging requires deep roots.
Deep roots of healthy belonging need to be nurtured from the earliest school experiences.

Obviously, we shouldn’t expect significant results to stick with the snap of our fingers, or with one or two shared thinking circle times – but results do stick when young kids are consistently provided with opportunities to engage in this truly important and mutually respectful way.

The rightness of this kind of approach is validated by kids’ constructive engagement … aaaand by how much you get to learn about, and with, your young students.

Yes, there’s a learning curve – but it’s not steep, and if you’d like some support, please let us know.  That’s WHY we’re here… for you, for your students.

Listen to the podcast (EPISODE 14) of this blog on iTunes, with this link:   https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/not-your-normal-social-emotional-learning

Love in the Classroom

Love can be our most practical teaching super power.

I was a teacher for 20+ years, and in that time I discovered, beyond any possible doubt, that  love must be central to what we do and who we are with our students.  I hope you agree, but if you don’t, or if you’re on the fence about bringing love into the classroom, I hope you’ll keep reading.

First, though, a quick story.  I was born and raised in California.  And to make me even more of a Californian, after my parents divorced, my time with each of them was divided between the San Francisco bay area – with my father, and Los Angeles, with my mother.   My California roots go even deeper.   I’m a 5th generation Californian, and my two sons are 6th generation Californians.   All that to say, when a great career opportunity presented itself to my husband, several decades ago, we enthusiastically moved our growing family to a small town in the midwest.  Talk about culture shock.   WOW !!!

  I am NOT proud to say how obnoxiously proud I was of my heritage, my upbringing, my ever-so-cool California, big city roots.    

I wasn’t overt about my pride of origins when I shopped for groceries or perused stores for my children’s needs, nevertheless  people were palpably  hostile towards me.   Why?  I smiled. I asked how clerks were, and answered with a friendly tone when they asked how I was.  It was mysterious and  weird, and really uncomfortable..

After a couple of weeks of life in my new surroundings, the unfriendliness was really getting to me.  Didn’t these people “get” how cool I was?  How much I had my (bleep) together?!!!

Then one day, after another icy and incredibly unsatisfying interaction, a fresh thought popped into my mind.      (Don’t you love it when those ‘fresh thoughts’ happen?)    

What if I changed my mind set?  What if I wasn’t so full of myself and my self-proclaimed  California-ultra-coolness the next time I walked into a store?     What if I opened my mind and heart to the possibility, just – for starters – the possibility that the locals were just as valuable and interesting and worthwhile and lovable as I was so sure that I was?      

I thought … well, maybe.  I mean, how could it  hurt to experiment with that concept ?    I wasn’t going to say anything, because – really – what could i say?    “Hi, I’m not going to be all full of myself any more. Instead, I’m experimenting with the concept that you might be just as valuable and interesting and lovable as any other person from any other place on this big beautiful planet.”   

NOPE.  Definitely wasn’t going to say that – thankyouverymuch.

But I was going to own that concept, but there couldn’t be any half measures with this experiment. Right?!  What would be the point of that? 

Bottom line:  everything changed.  I mean:  every interaction. Every.   To this day it blows my mind.

That experience, taught me that, in a sense, we’re all mind readers.  You. Me. OUR STUDENTS.  Oh, yes.  Very definitely our students. 

Feelings are communicated wordlessly.
NEVER underestimate children’s sensitivity to what we are truly feeling about them.

So, when I brought into my classes the mindset that each of my students was  valuable, interesting and a person worthy of love (no matter how un-lovable he or she might sometimes act), my classes ran so much more smoothly …. NOT because I told the kids that I thought they were valuable, interesting, worthy of love and respect, but because that was the GROUND ZERO from which I taught and interacted with them…. even when I had to lay down the law, even when I gave them tough assignments, even when I entrusted them with projects that required a lot of independence and self-motivation.   Over and over again, their ‘mind-reading’ skills served them and all of us incredibly and constructively well.

So what’s my point?  Well,  I’m still trying to work out the details so that I can explain how all this works – internally / on the inside – so the impact can be seen – externally / on the outside – but an important and immeasurably practical piece of all this is that we teachers need to, we GET to, explore and discover what love looks like when it’s put into action within all our classroom interactions.    

For me Love looks a lot like respect.   Love also looks a lot like trust … genuinely trusting that the best within our students actually WANTS to express itself, even though their best sometimes can’t actually be expressed without our respectful facilitation efforts on their behalf … which sometimes takes patience.    

When I failed at all this Love stuff … it hurt, but I learned, and I learned how to fail a little bit less the next time.  I keep learning, because I keep trying to pay attention to the ‘signals,’ if you will, that the mindreaders around me are picking up on.

Does that make sense?  Does it ring true for you?  Share your thoughts, your successes, and your challenges around this topic.  I’d love to know what’s going on for you.    

Here’s a link to the associated podcast.

4-Year Olds Are Ready for SOCIAL – EMOTIONAL LEARNING

Social-Emotional Learning for 4 Year Olds Does Not Have to be Hard!
Shared-Thinking Circle Times for 4-year old’s Social-Emotional Learning
By the age of 4, kids are ready to share with peers, in circle time, how much they know and how self-sufficiently they can choose behaviors that work best for everyone!  They just need (and want) to be respectfully and appropriately challenged!
Kids also want and need to be acknowledged for what they understand, what they perceive as real, true and valid … and they need to express what they understand with their own words … with a group of peers … in neutral shared-thinking class time opportunities – facilitated by adults who, just during these times, do not have the intention to be teaching, but instead have the intention to give all of their attention.
Young Children Have a Natural Need for Quality Attention
How many times have you read or heard about children ‘just behaving this way or that for attention?’ As if their efforts to gain your attention were a negative. Turns out that the more we learn about all the elements of healthy early childhood development, the more we come to appreciate the value of honoring children’s basic instincts, such as their natural need for quality attention.
Validating Proof from History and Human Biology
After World War II, orphans living in a clean, hygienic and basically attentive facility did not thrive. In fact, almost half of infants died, despite apparently having all basic needs met. It turned out that the infants needed at least one meaningful relationship with a caring, and involved adult in order to survive, grow and thrive. Since then, we have learned that Human Growth Hormone (HGH) is released in a manner directly proportional to the amount of caring attention children receive.
Quality of Teacher’s Attention Matters
It is now clearly understood that the quality of the attention children receive from their educators more often than not gives rise to repeated behaviors, as compared to ignored or unnoticed behaviors.  Sooooo … if we are giving our attention – yes, just simply our undivided attention – when kids are thinking together about positive and constructive solutions and outcomes to which they can all relate, surely it should come as no surprise that those solutions rapidly translate into behaviors by the children who – in constructive collaboration – gave voice to those solutions.
Constructive collaboration opportunities prepare children for future successes.
Young children welcome constructive collaboration opportunities.

Self-Trust is Essential for a Life Well Lived

SELF-TRUST
Everyone is born with instincts and innate skill sets that, when honored, engaged and cultivated in the early years of life, have major influence on developing and anchoring self-trust.
 
Think about it: every baby knows when she’s hungry and tired. Every toddler knows what he likes to eat and with whom he wants to socialize. Children start out knowing and honoring their own rhythms, specific tastes and personal preferences.
 
And then “big people” start managing the details of children’s lives, because they know better. That message (that adults/outside authorities know better) is resisted for awhile, and then it progressively dominates, resulting in diminishment of intrinsic self-trust.
 
There are various responses to this progression, from resistance and rebellion to increased reliance on guidance and approval from ‘authorities,’ resulting in diminishment of self trust.
 
Outward manifestations of diminished self trust include:
  • Self-doubt
  • Indecision
  • Need for approval
  • Desire for external validation
  • Perfectionism
  • Fear of failure
 
Manipulative marketers and politicians accomplish their self-serving goals more easily when their audience is populated by people with diminished self-trust (people whose dominant orientation is: “Others know better than I do.”)
 
HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO THE KIDS’ OWN WISDOM® APPROACH?  When students receive consistent opportunities to participate in, and constructively contribute to, shared-thinking opportunities based upon *Stretching, *Open-ended, *Age-appropriately challenging, *Relevant, and *Respectful questions (SOARR-ing questions), they experience their own validity, and their self-trust is the ultimate beneficiary. 

Talking Straight to Children

Healthy brain development for well rounded social emotional interactions.
By Lilian Katz, November 2013

imageNot long ago I went to my physician for my annual check up. You all know what that’s like—not exactly fun!

I must have been about the 12th woman he had seen by that afternoon. As he entered the room, he said to me: “Well, Mrs. Katz, do you get a chance to get out of the house sometimes?” Not exactly the question or comment I was expecting! I calmly pointed out that I had just returned yesterday from Washington, DC, and last week from Houston and the week before that from Northern Ireland, and so forth!!!

The incident made me think that probably all occupations that involve human interactions develop clichés or standardized and routine phrases to be used during the day for regular tasks, and that these come with the job. I was reminded of that by one of my grandsons who worked for a while at his local supermarket and complained that he said maybe 1,000 times per day “Did you find everything you wanted?” and told me that by the 20th time, he really didn’t care!!

As I visit and observe teachers of young children in many different kinds of programs around the country, I am always dismayed by how frequently they move around the classroom and say to children things such as “Awesome,” “Good Job,” “Keep going…”, “That’s going well…”, and so forth.

Other clichés that come with the job are directions given to children such as “You need to sit still,” “You need to turn around,” “You need to listen,” and so forth. But children’s needs are not relevant in these kinds of situations; the teacher is trying to convey his or her wish that the child behave in a certain way. It would be more honest and meaningful, as well as realistic and clear, to say something such as “Please sit still” or “Please turn around” and then move on with the really important content of the moment.

It worries me that so few teacher-child contacts are continuous interactions. Recent evidence suggests that such meaningful continuous contingent interactions from very early in life throughout the first five or six years stimulate very important neurological development that must be accomplished by roughly about the age of 6.

So, as teachers of young children, let’s take occasional opportunities to remind ourselves that the children need informative feedback with real meaning—not every five minutes, but as appropriate occasions arise, in contexts that can provoke continuous exchanges called conversations. Sometimes a participant in a conversation just nods or smiles as the sequence continues. But it is clear to all participants what the others mean. Engaging in such intentional interactions may mean that we have to keep the total amount of interaction lower to enable more real and informative responses rather than clichés.

So let’s keep in mind that frequent and empty phrases may just be a risk of our profession that we should watch out for.

Return to the Lilian’s Blog main page.

Conversation Starters to Grow GROWTH MINDSET

Conversations, started with open-ended questions have the most positive impact.

Sometimes kids (little ones and big ones) have resistance to our direct efforts to grow their growth mindset. That’s when questions that are actually conversation starters, can help.

Conversation implies all kinds of POSITIVES:     √ Respect for students’ perspective and problem solving abilities    √ Interest in what they think and feel and deal with     √ Engagement with their values, their priorities     √ Trust in students’ intentions     √ Listening, really listening

Listening is most important

When kids receive quality attention, on a regular basis, to express themselves – especially with regard to their challenges – they get to directly experience that they matter. When they feel that all-important sense of mattering, then the effort it takes to overcome challenges is much more likely to matter, too.

Of course, listening to endless, random complaints and whining doesn’t have much value for anyone.

Complain - meh! Problem solve - YEAH!
Complaining is very different from intentional problem solving.

But respectful conversations that start with respectful questions … now that’s a different story.  Try it, and let us know how it goes. We’d LOVE to hear your experiences.

 

Growth Mindset and the MAGIC WORD

Most teachers and parents understand that when we step in and solve children’s problems we’re not doing them any favors. Not really. Not in the long run. But when kids’ frustration builds and they get close to quitting, sometimes it just feels easier to get everyone (including us) past obstacles and into solution territory.

Rather than solving kids’ problems, if we’re truly committed to preparing them for a lifetime of challenges (problem-solving opportunities), we should commit to helping them build growth mindsets.

There are many ways to encourage growth mindset. Unfortunately, there are also many ways to discourage growth mindset.

To make sure we are doing all the right things to encourage perseverance in our students, our children, and even ourselves – let’s get clear on what growth mindset is.  According to psychologist, Carol Dweck who popularized the term in her book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, people [of any and all ages] with growth mindset …

“… believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.”

How do we nurture kids’ perseverance? Well, we could follow Yoda’s approach by being really good examples – which, of course, is never a bad idea. Check out this video:

Yoda's instruction to Luke Skywalker, interpreted through the lens of GROWTH MINDSET.
Yoda’s instruction to Luke Skywalker, with a contemporary interpretation. (Thanks to Linda Lewis)
We should definitely avoid these common mistakes
  1. Praising effort alone: “Great effort” has become the consolation prize for children who aren’t actually learning. In other words, “Great effort” translates to “ineffective effort,” which sends the totally wrong message.
  2. “Try harder” is more empty feedback.
  3. “You can do anything” does not magically make it so. Students need knowledge, skills, strategies, and resources to solve their problems.
  4. “You’re so intelligent” and “You’re so smart” are actually counter-productive messages. (Many teachers have known this for decades, and instead use more specific statements: “You really stuck with that math problem until you figured it out. Wow.”)
  5. Scolding and shaming for not persevering and learning effectively. OUCH.

Excerpted from Edutopia article by Carol Dweck

So … what’s so magic about the word “YET” when seeking to nurture growth mindset?

It’s not just what we say … it’s how we say it.

“Yet,” when spoken with genuine respect for effort, can lighten the crushing effects of accumulated frustration. Acknowledgement of effort – when it’s REAL, rather than empty, consolation prize praise – helps to keep minds + attitudes open for learning new strategies.

Hard work is still ahead. “YET” provides a ray of hopeful sunshine to keep on keeping on.

Being "seen" when making an honest effort helps to neutralize frustration.
“YET” is a magic word, but only if we say it with genuine acknowledgement of observed effort.